In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew