Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
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Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Coffee for people with no kids
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.