pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
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Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.