Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL