[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
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Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.