Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I identify as an antique shop.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower