The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
You Might Also Like
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
SF is the wild wild west man
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith