Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
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I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice