[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?