#JohnTravolta
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not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.