My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.