me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
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ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?