Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
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[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years