Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
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Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Candles never taste the way they smell
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.