actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
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Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Nice try, NASA
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds