*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.