The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
You Might Also Like
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad: