If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
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do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Not all heroes wear capes.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine