I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
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[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
@ candidates for local office
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.