*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
You Might Also Like
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*