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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Seems legit
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.