[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what