Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
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*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Realize this:
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy