You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.