If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
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me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
sigh
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?