STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
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Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
kitchen magnet
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?