How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Battery falling down a hole
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas