I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
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Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Spa day..😅
An odd boast
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts