Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
You Might Also Like
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.