Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
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Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Bobby pin
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?