*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.