I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
You Might Also Like
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?