Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
You Might Also Like
Lmao
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.