Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
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GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin