I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8