‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
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[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*