im getting some exciting spam emails lately
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Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
where the womens at?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!