noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
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Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
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Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Rambo Rambow
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”