Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
barbara was highly relatable
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I am yelling
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”