Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
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if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
crochet youtube is brutal
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”