me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
doing some research
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?