I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted