*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
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[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.