Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”