He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
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All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Easy enough.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite