If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
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Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
okay run it by me one more time
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.