12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
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“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)