Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
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Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Yup
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I’m not stressed
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex