Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
You Might Also Like
A dad and his duck
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
The symmetry is uncanny.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Nomnomnomnom
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.