Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
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My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.